Chaos
by rcaqua
Summary: When there’s nothing but chaos, it’s the little things that can be enormous.


**Title: Chaos**

**Disclaimer: **Don't own _Angel_, _Buffy_, or anything but this story. The rest all belongs to Joss.

**Distribution: **If you want to post this somewhere, ask and give me credit.

**Summary: **When there's nothing but chaos, it's the little things that can be enormous.

**a/n: **This is just a quick little ficlet that popped into my head at two in the morning after finishing _Stealing Princes_ (by Tyne O' Connell- it's great). Please let me know if you like it. This takes place right before Angel talks to Faith after she kills the Deputy Mayor.

* * *

In my life, I've had many names and seen many things. I've traveled the world and done things I never would have dared to dream about. Once, the crimes I committed would have terrified me. But that was a long time ago.

Years have passed, and I've broken so many rules. Not too long ago I would have said that I had broken _all_ of the rules, but now I know better. No matter how old I am, or how old I'll get, there will never be any doubt in my mind that there is nothing but chaos in the universe. Oh, don't get me wrong, I _did_ once think there was such a think as order and arrangement. After all, I spent a century and change trying to get rid of it.

I killed and tortured for the exhilaration it brought me, the _power_, that's true. But the mayhem that would come afterwards; the panic and fear? Well, that just added to it all. Knowing that one little twist of my hand, or dip of my fang, could incite pure chaos and wreck lives in a heartbeat is a feeling like no other. It makes you feel like God- that you understand how it could feel to be one. And for a time, you really believe that; that you are superior in every way. You live in the constant euphoria (I guess it's called a "high" now. Stupid name for it, really. After all, lots of things are high, but Buffy just rolled her eyes when I tried to explain that to her) of power.

Because, as someone famous and even older then me once said, power corrupts. It's better then any drug you can buy; all it takes is a small amount to make you more arrogant then you have any right to be.

There was a point to that little ramble, even if it seems like I've wandered off track. The point is, that all of those things that I thought proved the concept of "order"- the power, the "high", the murder- well, it just proves that the only chaos.

Don't believe me? I've got more proof.

I am one of the worst monsters in the world- even I can't claim the title of head Hell beast. I tormented people for fun, and had even more fun with their deaths. I defy every "law" created to explain the natural craziness of nature, just by being alive. Or really, undead. I deserve to suffer for eternity for what I've done, and I'm not the only one who thinks that.

But, even with all of this against me, she still loves me. Buffy is the single most amazing woman in all of history, and _she_ loves _me_. She knows what I've done. Hell, she knows what I could still do, if that little clause gets tripped again. And she still loves me; and trusts me (to an unreasonable extent). She believes in me enough to think that I can do this- that I can lie to Faith and pull her back from the edge where I once stood, so long ago, in an alley near one of my favorite taverns, asking another beautiful woman to show me the world.

They call me an angel, when I'm a demon inside. It's impossible for anyone to forget what I've done, but at the same time, they can't remember any of it. The pain that will never go away is still there, of course, but for them the wounds aren't raw. They don't smart. There are other injuries being inflicted every day. It's against human nature to really forget everything someone has done for and with you. It's also impossible to really feel someone else's pain as if it were your own. People have come pretty damned close, but haven't experienced just how much the other person is hurting.

Buffy and her Scoobies remember every bad thing I have done to them, they have heard what I've done to other people over the years, but they also remember the times I've helped them- saved them. And even if they deny it, even if they refuse to believe it, that's why I'm still living my un-life. Because Buffy can't truly see the demon inside of me. That's why she only killed me in a haze of grief, anger, pent-up stress, and the impending apocalypse. No matter which name you call me by, I will always be the same. The demon has all of my traits and ideas without a conscience to impede it. We are one and the same. Like I am Liam and Liam is Angelus.

But, deep down, Buffy still relies on me. She believes in me more then anyone ever has. She loves me. And she needs me to save Faith for her.

And that, more then anything, is why I'm agreeing to this. Because of this little four-lettered word that is prime-time friendly. Because, after all of the horrible things I have done to everyone- and her especially- it's all I can do to try. Try to make sure that there isn't another "god" joining the ranks. Try to do what Buffy wants. Try to help save Faith's soul. And maybe, just maybe, when this is all over, I'll be a little bit closer to saving my own.

That was one statement that proves there isn't any order in the world. And it's also one of the scariest things I have ever thought.

The other was when I realized she loved me, too.


End file.
